Dearest

" Back then when we met,
it was all awkward.
We went the long way, didn't we?
We got hurt, didn't we?
Until the day I reach eternal sleep,
that smiling fave will have to stay with me...
Without fail. "

Actions always speak louder than words they say. I'm inclined to believe them, though my inherent naivety has always gotten the better part of me. His face provokes tears, his voice summons a deeper pain. His words are opposite of his actions. There is nothing in this world more golden and precious than this person. Yet... I cannot fool myself any longer. The more I bear the punishment the more this lie flowers inside of me. He does not love me. My love is not returned. If Hell could open up to swallow this tortured soul, even it would not leave such a void. Have you ever given so much of everything to someone that you are empty? Have you ever loved someone so much it made you cry? What if... that someone did nothing except lie to you and feed on your love, only to leave you as dry and parched as desert sand? Would your love for them ever cease?

...Does anyone ever need a reason to love? It is the strongest of emotions in this world, doubly stronger than hatred, and even more potentially dangerous. Why must we burn our feelings with hate and fire... Why can't he love me, even after all of the sacrifices. Is it so selfish to ever want anything in return? What is love if I can feel it but receive nothing but pain? The more he bends to his own selfishly evil desires, the more I want to love him. Love can conquer all, right? Is the human heart so black it is blinded to this one much needed emotion? Yes, even though I can see that smiling face, I cannot smile along with it, for it is smiling at me....not with me. I know that in my heart as much as I strive to deny that simple truth.

Until the day I die, I will burn out the hours for my dearest. Someday... someday I will be of equal value, when my eyes shut and that stream of love is no longer washing over him.

Heaven's Mirror

" a gentle melody is the end of memory,
if only one wish may be granted, let life run free "

I can only wish for one thing at this point, and that is that through this trial, he would remain happy. Even at the expense of my life. It hasn't been the smoothest of roads, but this short life has been scenic and full of pleasant things; Though the miracles had to be viewed through the foggy window of my heavy burdens. I am not like him, and I am like him. This fact has been on my mind since the beginning of the end. Perhaps, though I could not reach out a finger and feel his presence... I wonder if I ever made a difference to him. He would smile to me through something short of pain and say 'You made me happy.' Was that my life's purpose? I wanted to do something much more.

I will be content in my decision to give my life for him. Maybe that in itself is selfish. I want to be remembered in death doing something that I finally felt is righteous. There are so many things to do; And so many things I could have done if I had given myself the opportunity, to open those doors. I no longer have the courage to talk to my team members. I sit and browse the active boards and look at all the usernames, remembering the dream that once mattered to me: to touch lives with the death of my close friends. The game was to be a dedication to their memory and a key to unlocking the hearts of many humans to struggle with a variety of issues in today's corrupt world where many sins run rampant. I can only pray that my dearest friends will help push that into reality. And that he may help make it my legacy also.

No longer... I no longer care what others think about my situation and heritage. It used to be something of great importance, to be like others. Hundreds of friends who love and care for me and not one single family member who would give a moment... I became the living punching bag for the ones around me that have my blood. I don't want to associate with them. I want a normal family... I want to have the blood running in me that is my friends', for they are my greatest treasure. For those of you who read, abuse is a terrifying reality that goes overlooked. It often isn't corrected even in the victim's lifetime. We live in a world where nobody wants anything of anyone's business, and so we let the victims suffer... Ignorance is bliss. We 'do all we could' and move on. Just because you don't have to hear and feel it, does it mean that it does not exist? My bruises and the deep scars that run inside are proof that it still does, whether someone rushes to my aid or not. I can't say I hate my family...because I would be lying. I have never hated anyone in my life. I have tried, but I can't find it in me to hold a grudge against anyone at all. I wish, just as with others, that their lives would be touched with peace and joy...

In a far off distant field, I'm sure the flowers are singing to the sky. A reflection that is heaven's mirror. In my life, I hope I became more like that flower, and that I continue to shine even when I am gone. Will such a world remember my small voice?